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--- Advice Column for November, 2003 ---
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I have been hanging out with this girl for about a month now.
We kiss and mess around a little but don't have sex yet. She
says doesn't trust guys. She also says she is afraid to get into
a relationship and she says she don't want one right now but we
talk like everyday and hangout once or twice a week.... Do you
think we are seeing each other, sort of dating, or what would
you call it? I want to talk to her about it but I don't know
how. Can you help me out?
- Joe, Age 20 from PennsylvaniaThis is interesting
because people often answer this question in retrospect as
opposed to in the moment. That's exactly what this girl is doing
- in a way. She's putting off the answer for later because she's
not sure how she feels about you yet. If you end up as b/f and
g/f, then she's going to count this time as 'dating'. If on the
other hand you break up in a messy or unfriendly way, she'll be
able to claim you never dated. That's not exactly true, but
she'll claim it anyway. To answer your question, the reality is
that you are in fact seeing each other. It's not serious,
but you're certainly more than friends if you play tonsil hockey
and feel her boobs once in a while. And here's some advice -
don't push this 'labeling' issue. It's not required. She's
hanging out with you and after some time she'll probably come to
conclusion that you're her b/f. If you force this issue before
she's ready, you might end up pushing her to end the
relationship for fear that you're getting too attached - or
something like that. (No one likes to be forced into things.)
That would be bad, since you obviously like her. Do yourself a
favor, and leave things alone.
- The Man
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I've been married 2 years but my wife and I have never had
sex. When we were dating, she avoided sex. She said that she
didn't believe in premarital sex and as soon as we'd get
married, she'd be more than happy to oblige. However, after two
weeks of honeymooning, and two years of marriage, there's been
nothing. When I bring up the topic, or try to get us 'in the
mood', she clearly avoids my attempts although she often tells
me she loves me and has never mentioned divorce. All other
aspects of our relationship are great except this portion. What
should I do to fulfill our relationship?
- Markus, Age 29 from CanadaGet her to a councilor.
Sounds like some kind of childhood trauma. Was she ever raped or
abused? That can ruin a woman for sex, not surprisingly. (Adam
Corolla and Dr. Drew would have a field day with this one.) On a
side note, that's damn admirable, man. No sex with the wife -
ever. If I were you I'D be the one thinking about
divorce. Of course it seems like you're happy to be married to
this woman regardless, so perhaps sex just isn't in the cards.
That's kind of a hard thing to give up. On the other hand,
there's always porn, and she can't really blame you, now can
she? They have DVDs down here for $6.95. I can send you a few if
you like. (I've never bought any myself, of course, but I've
seen the advertisement driving to church and back.) I will say
this - if you got through you entire honeymoon without ever
having sex, then this isn't something you're going to fix very
easily. It's more likely a deep, need-serious-professional-help
kind of an issue.
- The Man
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I'm 29, and I was seeing a guy who is 24. We were getting hot
and heavy one night and I blurted out, "So, what are you
looking for?" We then had a conversation, and he and I
agreed that he was looking for fun, and I was looking for more.
But then, I started thinking about it, and thought, "hey, I
don't have anyone right now, why not just have fun?" So I
called him up and we're going to see each other again soon. So
my question is, is this guy full of it or do you think he really
wants to go out with me but is too scared to commit? I know you
are not a mind reader, but any advice would be much appreciated.
- Natasha, Age 29 from CanadaSo let me get this straight.
You're ready for sex and that's when you decide to pop the
"where is this relationship going" question? Oy! I
hate it when that happens. That's like putting a rubber
steak in front of a starving man and yelling "psyche"!
Bad, bad girl! Anyway, then you finally figure out that
you're on Venus while he's on Mars. Fine. Exit horny,
unsatisfied man, stage left. But that's not the end of the
story. You call him up, ask him out and again only to find
yourself back at square one. Why?? I read your question and you
were quite clear - he's after sex and a good time, so where's
the issue? He's not full of shit. He told you the truth where
many guys would have lied to you to get your pants off. That's
admirable, frankly. You, on the other hand, are jerking him
around. Waiting until a tender, awkward moment to bring up a
show-stopping subject like that. You sound like you're all over
the place. Look - it's time to shit or get off the pot, but
either way, stop jerking this guy around. He's been clear with
you.
- The Man
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- There's this guy I'm into and he acted like he was getting
into me but lately it seems like he is avoiding me. It is really
hurting my feelings. First when I called his house the person
who answered the phone said that it was the wrong number and
then when I sent him an instant message a few days later he
ignored me for awhile then acted like he didn't know who I was.
Either he is avoiding me or his roommates are doing something. Please
help me.
- Sara, Age 18 from MaineI hate to be the one to break it
to you, but he's avoiding you. If he was into you, there would
be no way he's going to miss all these attempts you're making to
contact him. You're just not getting the hint. Oh - and his
roommates probably know the whole story inside and out and I'm
sure they are helping him avoid you. That being said, don't take
this personally. Sometimes people like people who don't like
them back. That's just the nature of things. I'm a single guy
and I've DEFINITELY been the "avoidee" (yes,
unbelievably it's true - certain brain-damaged women have
actually avoided me). On the other hand, I've done plenty
of avoiding in my past as well, blowing off many perfectly
acceptable women for no other reason than my Jerry Seinfeld-like
whims demand. I make no excuses. Half the time I'm running away
and half the time I'm chasing. That's the story of my life. What
can I say? At any rate, you're not as bad as you probably think
you are. And I know it hurts to think there's actually someone
out there who doesn't want you back, but you'll get over this in
time and I'm sure you've probably broken a heart or two along
the way yourself. Cheers!
- The Man
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When ever I am around my boyfriends friends or family I don't
really know how to act. I get uncomfortable and suddenly lose my
social skills. Do you have any advice on this situation?
- Ollie, Age 19 from CaliforniaIt's natural to be nervous
around people you don't know. Also, these are people you feel
are important because you care about your b/f and he cares about
the opinions of these people. If you don't know what to say or
how to act, just be quiet. There's never any harm in being shy
until you get to know people a little better, and it's a far
better solution then forcing yourself to talk, which can lead to
foot-in-mouth disease.
- The Man
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