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Archives from 09/25/01 --- |
- I just left my husband after a
6 year marriage for someone I found and fell in love with over
the Internet. I want to be with this man more than anything, but
we face many, many obstacles. Any advice you can give me on how
to tackle whatever comes our way to have a successful
relationship?
- Chantal, Age 28 from Canada
Goodness what a question!! Wouldn't that same advice apply to
your current husband too? I mean, if you want advice on how to
handle a long term and enduring relationship, why would you be
leaving one man to try the advice with someone new? Can you see
why it looks very hypocritical?? How long are you going to stay
with this new guy? Until you're sick of him too or until
"death do you part"? Well if it's "death do you
part" then you're full of shit or you're not being honest
with yourself. If you're really into the idea of a long term,
lasting relationship then leaving one husband to start a new
relationship with someone else is like quitting smoking so you
can start drinking. You're just changing one problem for another
and you're not really solving anything. If you want to leave
your husband then fine, but don't kid yourself.
- The Man
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- I've only been with my honey
for two and a half months, and I know it's a short time. I am in
love, however, and am very happy. but my boyfriend is very
scared of using the "L" word himself. He has said it
when drunk, half asleep and such, and I just blow that off. He's
also said it twice while wide awake and coherent, but he doesn't
make a habit of it and each time after that he's scared, again.
I've tried telling him I don't want to hear it unless he means
it, but it doesn't seem to be working. What can I do to make
this clear? Or is he in love with me and just really scared, and
in denial?
- Christi, Age 21 from Pennsylvania
Here's the deal. Every girl's dream is to meet Prince Charming.
You grow up looking for that kind of special, forever type of
guy that's going to sweep you off your feet and take you to this
wonderful new life. (By the way, if you happen to be a
pessimist, then this answer doesn't apply to you). At any rate,
with all those expectations, there's a whole lot for us dudes to
live up to. That's a lot of pressure baby!! Secondly, you have a
problem with basic human nature. Men are conditioned to hunt,
and run from chicks who try to nail us down to the "I love
you" thing. We're like rabbits and you're trying to coax us
out of our holes. Know what I mean? The thing is, you need to do
it a little more SUBTLY. You can't just ram your fist into the
ground hoping to get his furry little ears. You need to tempt
him out. Make him feel comfortable. Make him feel like it's HIS
idea, not yours. Then you get what you want.
- The Man
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- I've been seeing this guy for
the last 7 months and our relationship has been great. But
recently I mentioned the idea of moving in together (since we
sleep at each others house every night) and he was totally
against the idea. And last night he wanted to sleep alone. We
have a wonderful relationship and I don't understand what he's
afraid of. Commitment??
- Laurel, Age 19 from North Carolina
Of COURSE he's afraid of commitment. That's a standard component
of a typical male human. You were way too straight forward and
you scared the shit out of him. You need to use an old Jedi mind
trick. He has to think it's his idea. If it's not his idea,
you're going to have a VERY hard time, especially if he's
anywhere near as young as you. For instance, you could make up a
story that you want to find a new place to live. Then take him
apartment hunting but NOT for both of you, just for YOU. You've
got to get him interested in the idea of wanting to move in.
When you're looking at a great new apartment, start a
conversation with him saying something like, "gee this
place is really close to your work" or if that's not good,
then, "if we shared this place, we'd each have a LOT of
extra spending money". This way you're not talking about
moving in - you're talking about all the great advantages you'd
have if you lived together. See the difference? And if that
doesn't plant the seed in this guys head, then it's not the
right time anyway.
- The Man
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- I've just started a new job in
a field that really interests me. The problem is, my boss is
absolutely fine. He is basically my ideal male specimen, right
down to his style of dress. When I first met him, I got the
definite impression he liked me. However, since I started work
(and need I mention I'm the only female in that department) he's
been only distantly polite! Everybody has told me it's a very
bad idea to date your boss, but I can't help my attraction.
What's a girl to do?
- Anansi, Age 24 from Oregon
Here's the deal. You need to figure out the worst possible
outcome for this scenario and then decide if it's worth the
risk. If you absolutely CAN'T lose your job right now
because it would totally screw up your life, then you have no
business fucking around with your boss. See? On the other hand,
if you can always find another job, then what's the harm in a
little gamble? If it doesn't work, you polish up the 'ol resume
and start over. Life, after all, is about taking risks,
right? Also, you need to consider that this could be a temporary
attraction. After all, you don't really know him very well. What
if he turns out to be a jerk? What if he's got a woman (or
three) already? So what's the rush? I'd hold off a little until
you get a chance to get to know him. If you're really
compatible, then you're in the right place to catch this fish.
On the other hand, you might hate each other in a month or two.
Good thing you DIDN'T get involved under those circumstances,
ay?
- The Man
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- Sex on the first date? To do or
not to do? What does The Man think?
- Teresa, Age 19 from Colorado
From who's perspective? Mine or yours? Girls looking for a
relationship (as most of you are) have much less of a chance
with guys after a first date romp because it's an intimate act
with someone you don't really know. There's a sort of imbalance
in the natural order of things when that happens. Sometimes it
works out for the best and other times, well, you know... On the
other hand, we guys like sex on the first date. We often feel
like, "hey - if she banged me on the first date then she
won't be too surprised if I blow her off". It's kind of
like having a "get out of jail free" card. (By the
way, I'm not saying it's right, just true.) Also, if you're a
guy and you get it on the first date, you feel like you're kind
of a stud. That's something to brag to your buddies about.
Therefore generally speaking, for a girl, the first date romp is
usually NOT a good idea unless you're just horny. For a guy the
first date romp usually means no callback and life-long bragging
rights to his buddies (unless she was really unattractive in
which case he's going to pretend to not recognize her in public
for at least 5 years).
- The Man
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time to answer your question, you can always get answers in the
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- I have a problem having sex. I
am a large women and my husband seems to be turned off by my
weight. What should I do?
- Leona, Age 40 from Indiana
The way I see it, you can find another husband, lose some
pounds, or do nothing and hope for the best. You have control
over the first two options.
- The Man
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- I have been married for 11
years, and after a rough two years I asked for a trial
separation. This was mainly because he had been getting nowhere
in his life - I was continuing as the main bread winner. We have
2 sons aged 6 and 8 and I had been struggling with the imbalance
of our relationship. He went through a depression two years ago
and I stuck with him throughout because I believed he was trying
to get his act together, and he was unable to support himself.
Finally when I told him we needed to have some time apart he
admitted that he had had 3 affairs. Two one night stands and one
prostitute (three years ago). I was so hurt, but we tried to
understand how we had ended up here rather than blaming, etc. as
I felt I could have equally gone down this road if I had met the
right man. We have now separated. He has moved in with a friend.
I am in the house and I have to support myself and the kids. He
wants the relationship to work out, but I am scared of
going on with the relationship to his detriment (his dependency
and I finding myself right back where I started from). I am
angry sometimes and other times I just want our original dream
to come true.
- Alex, Age 41 from Kenya
Why not set some goals? He can come back when he has a lasting
job. Something he's kept for several months. It takes time to
turn your life around. Letting him know you expect things from
him may motivate him to get those things accomplished. If he
can't, then your way seems clear. After all, he's already out of
the house.
- The Man
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- Hi! Me and my girl have been
together for about 3 years but we broke for 10 months in the
middle. During that time she had another boyfriend and I had a
girl, but now we are together again. In the old days we used to
make it 4 times almost every day. Now its even greater. She told
me that she made it just 3 or 4 times during the entire 10
months with her temp. She told me that she did not like him at
all, but since I love her very much, I want to ask you: Is it
possible for the female thing (down there) to be widened from
the size of the penis from just these 3 or 4 encounters? (I know
it is a stupid question.)
- Kiril, Age 21 from Bulgaria
Kiril, she may simply have changed physically in 10 months. On
the other hand, she might have banged this other guy like a
screen door in a hurricane. You'll never know and she won't
tell. Frankly it's none of your business. I suggest you forget
about asking her before it drives you crazy. Some things are
best left alone. If you pursue this with her, you're only going
to end up confused and upset. Get it?
- The Man
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- How many times do you have to
have sex before your cherry pops? And what happens when it does?
- Melinda, Age 16 from California
I'm glad you asked. Each time you're done having sex, you need
to stand on your head and listen really hard (you can hear it
better if you're standing on your head and you won't leak that
way). Sometimes you hear a popping sound like Rice Crispies.
Sometimes it's just one big POP! like a balloon. Just depends on
the girl. Keep doing this until you hear it pop :-)
- The Man
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- My husband of 27 years is
taking me to Disney world for what was suppose to be our 25th
anniversary. He wants our 17year old daughter to come so he can
go on the extreme rides. He asked me if I mind and I would love
to have our daughter along since it will only be part of the
time but we have other problems too and I feel like this just
adds to my feelings of inadequacy but I don't know how to tell
him without feeling like a jerk.
- Dee, Age 47 from Washington
Why pick a time like a trip to Disney World to lay a guilt trip
on the guy? Go and have a good time and bring it up when you get
back. All you're going to do is spoil everyone's trip, including
yours and your daughter's. That makes very little sense. If you
have problems, deal with them, but find a more appropriate time
to deal with them. Remember, misery loves company. The goal
should be finding ways to make yourself happy rather then to
make everyone else miserable.
- The Man
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- I have recently found out that
my husband had been sending out ads over the internet for a
sexually submissive partner. Even telling them he is married but
doesn't have this kind of sex with wife. When I confronted him
about this he told me that he never intended to have sex with
anyone else, and that he was so in love with me but was afraid I
would think he was strange for wanting to have not ordinary sex
but for me to be submissive. I'm not a prude, and I will try
just about anything. I'm just afraid that I'm not doing this
right. How do you be submissive?
- Casey, Age 30 from New York
Everyone needs to learn at first. There's no magic potion. I
can't answer this question (won't, actually - 15 year old
children read this column), but you can find information on this
in many places. Give yourself a chance, but keep your ear to the
ground for what he likes and dislikes, just as with anything
else. If it turns out that he's just a cheating bastard, then
lose the guy. He will have lied to you twice.
- The Man
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- Is it threatening and weird
when a woman cuts herself? My boyfriend of 6 months loves me but
I don't even if I say I do. Truth is I just can't feel anything
for anyone. I just want to break up, but I don't want to break
his heart. I am thinking of telling him the truth ..that I feel
nothing since he already knows about my cuts and stuff...
- Aileen, Age 22 from Ireland
Yeah, it's threatening, weird AND creepy. Are you kidding? Go
see a doctor. There's more to this story then you're telling me.
- The Man
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- I was sexually abused as a
child and as a result of that I have had a very limited sex
life. I am 20 years old and in a very serious relationship. This
problem with sex is a negative part of the relationship that I
would really like to get over. The problem is that sex has
always scared me and have stayed away from it, as well as
anything else sexual for the most part. Making me quite
inexperienced for 20 years old. This can get very embarrassing
for myself at times. I guess my question for you is besides
practice, is there any books that I may be able to get or any
other way to sort of get more informed about how to do things
before I make a fool out of myself?
- Courtney, Age 20 from Canada
20 isn't that old for sex (although I know it can seem that way
when some 14 year olds seem to have more experience then you).
Relax a little. You won't embarrass yourself if you're just calm
about things. There's no substitute for experience. I'd say just
get in there and do it until you get over this issue. On the
other hand, there's probably a thousand doctors out there who
would tell you to seek professional help in dealing with these
issues. If you're strong enough to pull through on your own (and
it sounds like you are) then go for it. The most difficult
challenges yield the richest rewards. On the other hand, if you
think you could benefit by talking to someone, there's people
that can help you. Try your college counselor if you have one,
or seek out an old high school counselor to help.
- The Man
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- Recently my lover expressed an
interest in inserting a string of pearls into my pussy and then
slowly pulling them out... This sounds so exciting... Is it
dangerous?
- JJ, Age 43 from Florida
Only if it's a hundred foot strand of jumbos. (kidding) Like
anything else you put up there, make sure it's clean, preferably
sterile, not sharp in any way and done with care. Remind him to
be gentle when he yanks on that thing and that it's not like
he's starting a lawn mower.
- The Man
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- I recently came out of a
relationship with a really hot chick. Unfortunately, we had
other problems in our relationship and it ended but the sex was
the best!! I recently became involved with a really nice lady.
I'm crazy about her in all ways except in bed. She is very
conservative in bed and her conservative ways just don't turn me
on. I've tried to find out her inner feelings about sex and she
has made it known that she is very traditional. (No toys,
talking dirty, fantasizing, etc.) When making love to her, I
stay hard but just can't get off. I'm afraid that if I don't cum
in the near future, she will be out of here. HELP!!!
- Lee, Age 50 from Virginia
Have a serious talk with her. Tell her you've been around for a
long time and you know what you like. Maybe you can meet
somewhere in the middle with her being a little more open to new
things? If that doesn't work, learn to fake it.
- The Man
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- I'm dating a guy who's 21 and
I'm only 14. He's my piano teacher. Do you think this is
absolutely sick? I've tried to have sex with him but he doesn't
want to get in trouble with the police. I just want another guys
opinion.
- Lib, Age 14 from Arizona
Yeah, it's pretty bad. He should know better. I know it doesn't
make much sense to you NOW, but when you're 21 and you look at a
14 year old, you'll have a different point of view. 14 is very,
very young. Since you're 14 now, try to imagine yourself making
out with a boy who's just 6 years old. That's kind of like how
we adults feel when we see a 14 year old girl and a 21 year old
guy. That's also why they made a law against it and call it
second degree RAPE. RAPE is really serious and they wouldn't
have called it that if they didn't feel like it was really a big
issue, right? It's a VERY serious law and it has very serious
consequences when broken. If he touches you, the first time you
get mad at him you could send him to jail for a really long time
and ruin his life since he'd be called a sex-offender. Sex
offenders get treated very badly by society because generally
they are very dangerous people to children like you. He may be
one of them or he may be a decent guy about to make the biggest
mistake of his life. Frankly, my dear, you're what they call
'forbidden fruit' or just plain poison. If he's not smart enough
to call this whole thing off, then you need to be the one to do
it.
- The Man
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- My boyfriend has his penis
pierced, and I don't want to have sex with him as long as he is
wearing that piece of steal. I'm worried about protection and
such, and as far as I'm concerned that thing would definitely
rip a condom. How do I explain this to him without sounding too
harsh?
- Catherine, Age 19 from Canada
A wise move, by the way. Even if it doesn't break the first
time, it's going to break eventually. Tell him exactly what you
told me. There's nothing like the truth. Having a piercing is
fine if that's what you're into, but there are some things that
cross the line from fun into dangerous and this is just one of
those things. If he can't understand that simple logic then he's
an idiot and he's much too stupid for you to date.
- The Man
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- I have never been asked out,
and I have never personally asked anyone out. No one even admits
to liking me. I am kind of fat looking with huge boobs. Is it
just me they do not like or is it my body?
- Anya, Age 15 from New Zealand
If you were saying this and you were 35, I might be concerned.
As things are, I'm simply amused. It's not that no one likes you
OR your body. You just haven't met the right guy yet. Give
yourself some time, hun. Lots of people don't really even start
dating until university.
- The Man
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