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Archives From 06/11/01 --- |
- My neighbor offered to cut our
weeds that border his side of the yard. I asked my husband to
tell him 'no', because I work in the yard a lot. I garden, as a
hobby. As I was going into my backyard, I saw my neighbor in my
backyard, cutting the weeds. My husband was backing out of the
driveway to go play chess. I ran to the car to ask him to tell
the man not to cut the weeds. He told me to tell him myself. Is
something wrong with this picture, or is it me? On a separate
occasion he once claimed that he did not know his cousin had
pushed me even though he was sitting right there. Is this
normal? Shouldn't he be more protective?
- Marian, Age 32 from New York
If I were your husband, I would not have gone either. You put
him in a very difficult situation. We're talking about weeds
here. Weeds. It's not like he's mowing over your
marigolds or something. If your husband would have gotten out of
the car to go talk to the guy cutting the weeds, he would have
looked like your bitch. Know what I mean? It's humiliating to a
guy when a woman starts a fight and asks her man to finish it
for her. You need to pick your battles more carefully. I'm sure
your husband would be very protective of you if the
circumstances demanded, but getting his ass out of the car to go
start a fight with a neighbor because you're upset about WEEDS
does not qualify as important to a guy logical enough to play
chess. Give the guy a break. Same thing with the cousin issue.
I'm not saying you were, but if by chance you were
being a pain in the ass to the cousin, then standing up for you
is probably not high on the list of things-to-do. In general,
men like to pick their own battles. If you try and pick
them for him, you're in for an unpleasant surprise. Try to
mellow out a little. You sound high strung to me.
- The Man
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- I may just be the most immature
and inexperienced 46 year old woman you will ever get a question
from! I was married for 29 years, then separated and have been
with a new man for two years. It is very complex... He and I
work on various projects together (not work related), and have
an intense connection. BUT....he cheats. He sees other women
quite often. He tells me he "loves me dearly" and
calls each and every day, sometimes two and three times a day. I
have told him he does not have to say he loves me, that I will
help him with his projects even in the face of his infidelity.
Meanwhile he and I no longer have a sex life. I told him that I
wouldn't share him that way and he has honored that. We still
spend an incredible amount of time together and I love him
deeply..... but I am beginning to wonder just how great a fool I
am being....any suggestions?
- Mary Frances, Age 46 from Massachusetts
Fool? Why? Because you're spending time with someone you like?
Try to enjoy yourself a little. You're a liberated woman, and
he's not interested in a monogamous relationship. If he's not
sleeping with you anymore, than you've effectively turned your
love affair into a friendship. Good for you. I wouldn't call you
a fool. If you were blowing your life savings on the guy while
he robbed you blind, you'd qualify as a fool. Or if you were
oblivious to his other women, or you simply denied they existed,
then you'd also qualify. None of those things are true. He's
just not ready to commit to you alone. Maintaining the
friendship is up to you, but you're free to date other people.
That's the reality.
- The Man
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- Tell me exactly what it is I
have to say to stop a guy from asking me out 'for coffee' after
I've said no. I mean I've been as blunt as possible. I can say
things like "it'd be a waste of time" "personally
you're too old for me" and of course, the good old,
"no way". And yet, they try a half dozen more times
until finally I have to be really rude about it and act angry
with them. This I guess, wouldn't be a problem but it does harm
a girls reputation - I am thought of as a cold bitch by a
growing number of men. And I'm NOT!!! I just know what it is
that I don't want. Fix this for me, would ya? Either tell me to
forget about my reputation or tell me the secret code for
getting rid of unwanted suitors.
- Sherri, Age 30 from Canada
You can't change the world, hon, but you can bend it a little to
make it better for yourself from time to time. Know what I mean?
Some of the most successful women in the world know how to say
"no" and still keep the men on their leash. Sounds
like you're a natural and don't even know it. Why not turn your
weakness into a strength? If they are going to keep coming after
you like that, then let them. Use them a little. A smart woman
knows ten guys to call when it's time to change a light bulb,
lift something heavy or do some other 'manly' thing. If these
guys are too stupid to get the hint, then make them into 'just
friends', just like every other smart girl out there.
- The Man
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- I've been married for 4 days
and my new husband and I have had about 1-2 arguments each day
since ... romantic, huh? He has made me cry each time and
threatened to leave 3 times so far..... And we only
"consummated" our marriage LAST NIGHT and it was
because I initiated and did almost everything. We have been
together and lived together for 9 months before our marriage
last weekend. All of a sudden he changed: not holding my hand,
not kissing me hello or goodbye, complaining of not feeling
well, his back hurting, running off to baseball games, etc. I'm
broken-hearted and disappointed and of course we didn't go on a
honeymoon because of his work schedule. Any thoughts,
suggestions, advice? Thanks.
- Michelle, Age 30 from Louisiana
Could be that he's just having a bit of withdrawal. I'd give it
a little time. Marriage is a difficult thing for a lot of guys.
We give up our freedom, in a sense. Women look forward to
marriage because they have such high expectations about the
rosy, fairy tale future they are taught to expect - expectations
the men must now learn to live up to. It's a big
responsibility. You need to show him that his life isn't ruined.
Just relax. Don't get too wrapped up in this. Show him that
things in fact haven't changed and let him ease into the
idea. Good luck.
- The Man
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- I have been dating my boyfriend
for almost a year now. The only problem is that he does not show
affection towards me. How can I get him to do this?
- Nina, Age 19 from Illinois
You can't. He's the cold type. If he was the 'affectionate type'
you'd know it by now. You can talk to him about it until you're
blue but it won't help. I don't mean to sound cold myself, but
deal with it or move on. That's just the way he is.
- The Man
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- Last weekend, I was on a
campout with my husband and two other couples. One of the other
men in the group was constantly belching and passing gas in
front of everyone, like it was as normal as breathing. It was
horribly rude, loud, and obnoxious. I said something to him,
then my husband did, (we're all in our thirties!).. yet he
continued. His wife and the other lady whom are best friends,
ignored it and acted like it didn't bother them yet I couldn't
contain my anger and frustration. All I could think about was
how rude and disrespectful he was. Whenever I would walk away,
the whispers would start "she's gone now". My husband
became alienated and upset with me for being "ridiculous
and sensitive" and said I should have just let it go
instead of being angry the whole weekend. (I was only angry when
that guy was around.) We argued the entire seven hours home
about it. My husband said he felt demeaned by me in front of his
friends because I had such a problem with that behavior. What do
you think should have happened?
- Leigh, Age 36 from North Carolina
I think you over reacted. You can't change this guy's behavior
and instead of realizing it and getting on with your life, you
let something completely beyond your control ruin your
weekend and cause friction between you and your friends. Yes it
was rude. Yes it was disgusting and disrespectful. Fine, but
look at how your reaction affected everyone else. For every bit
of disgust he added to your weekend, you added an equal and
opposite amount of anger (and in doing so a touch of disrespect
to everyone else mellow enough to ignore him) to all the other
people in the group. Sometimes you have to just say, 'what the
fuck' and put up with it. He's not your problem, but you chose
to make him your problem, and it worked!
- The Man
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- Dear "MAN" this
question is not really about sex, it seems like all you write
about. My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months
and are really committed. He is 22 and I am 18 and we have been
sexually intimate for two months. I lost my virginity to him but
he has had previous lovers. We plan be married in ten years,
after college. I am moving 3 hours away to a big city in Sept.
to go to school. As soon as it is possible with his job and
education he will move there too. He worries that I will cheat
on him or forget about him and is upset easily about this. It
hurts me that he doesn't trust me. Is he just insecure? What can
I do to make him more confident in my love?
- Clair, Age 18
Nothing. He's going to worry no matter what you say. I suggest
you try and NOT convince him too strongly. You're so young it's
a damn near certainty that in 10 years, if you're
married, it will be to someone else. In other words, you're so
busy assuming that you're feelings for him won't change over
time, you've completely ignored the fact that you have a life to
lead. You're going to the city. It's an adventure. You're going
to meet new people and try new things. Over time you're going to
grow and change. Your mind is going to develop and also will
change. Tying yourself down to a single person during this time
of your life is a waste of a great opportunity. Don't lie to him
and don't lie to yourself. Instead, be reasonable. If you're
meant for each other, it will happen, but you shouldn't force it
to the point of missing out on things life has to offer. In a
nutshell, leave yourself a little breathing room. You might find
out that you want it.
- The Man
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- I am still in love with my Ex
but am currently seeing another guy. How can I tell if its true
love or just desire?
- Misty, Age 22 from Kentucky
Time will tell. Desire that lasts until you die qualifies as
true love. Everything else is just love.
- The Man
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- Did you
know The Answer Man can now be listened to in MP3 format? It
takes about 5 minutes to download each episode on a standard
modem. Even faster on DSL.
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- I have been liking this guy
named Andrew for 3 months. Finally my best friend met Andrew's
best friend and we all started to hang out. They all came over
to my house one day and Andy and I were making out on my bed
when he ask me to give him head!! I said 'no', and he got mad
and left!! What is his deal? I thought he really liked me? Am I
doing something wrong?
- Kaite, Age 17 from New York
You're doing something right. You were in a very
difficult situation and this guy proved to you he's a total
prick. What an asshole! This guy is a total jerk! You were
lucky. Imagine how you would have felt if you would have bowed
to his pressure and done what he asked. He still would have
left, accept you'd be feeling a whole lot stupider. The real
test for a quality guy is how he takes it when a girl says 'no'.
Good work, Kaite!
- The Man
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- Do you think it's right for
girls to ask guys out? I went out with this guy last year and I
broke up with him. Then he asked me back out and I broke up
again because I was confused. All of his friends tell me that he
says that there are two reasons why he wouldn't go back with me
again: Because I played with his feelings and because I'm too
shy. Well, I thought about it but I don't know what to do and I
really like him, A LOT! Please tell me your guy advice.
- Laura, Age 13 from California
You're growing up to be a stereotypical woman. Confused and
impulsive. That strikes me as funny. I suggest you move on. He's
done with you for now. Maybe in a couple of years you can get
back together. First he has to forget about the whole confused
and impulsive thing.
- The Man
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- Why do things never work out
for the good of yourself?
- Nick, Age 16
They just seem that way. Turn every defeat into a victory.
That's what I do. If things don't work out how you want them,
figure out why and become stronger from it. You're only 16. You
can teach yourself to be a winner if you can learn to accept
adversity by putting a positive spin on things. The glass is
half full, not half empty. Get it?
- The Man
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- I had this really close guy
friend for 2yrs. We started going out & only lasted a month,
he said he needed some time & that he missed our friendship.
After we broke up he got with another girl 3 days later & it
really hurt me. It has been 4 months since we have talked &
I want to gain our old friendship back, WHAT DO I DO?
- Nichole, Age 18 from Texas
You gave it a shot. Lots of people never get that far. Good for
you. Unfortunately some of the bridges we take during life are
'one-way'. This may be one of them. If that's true, you're going
to have to wait a while longer before you can be his friend
again. Time heals all wounds, but 4 months isn't enough time. It
has to be long enough for him to forget most of the details of
your short romance. Might even be a couple of years or more. If
you can't wait that long, call him and tell him you just want to
be friends again. See how he reacts. Be careful, though. Most
guys will say, 'okay' even if they don't mean it. They
won't want to hurt your feelings. They will sound VERY sincere
even if they have no intention of being your friend anymore. I
did that myself once when I was younger. I just didn't want
to have a big confrontation with a girl I had just broken up
with, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her 'no'
outright. I said we could be friends, but I had no intention of
hanging out with her. I just didn't want to anymore. The
real test will be in his actions. If he calls you and
wants to hang out, etc. you're in. Otherwise, you will know he
doesn't want to see you right now.
- The Man
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- Is a sports jacket appropriate
for a 8th grade dinner dance?
- James, Age 13 from Delaware
Sure, if other people are dressed nice. If you're the only one
in a sports jacket you might feel a little overdressed. Here's
tip: as long as you look good, it's okay to be a little
overdressed. No one's going to care. If you are overdressed,
just take the jacket off and put it in your locker or hang it on
a chair until it's time to go home. No matter what you do, be
cool about it. If someone gives you a hard time, act like you
don't care even a little. Laugh with them, don't react to them.
get it? Treat it like no big deal. If you don't care, soon you
will find that they stop caring too.
- The Man
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- I have recently broken up with
my ex and my mom thinks that my child belongs to him but the
paternity test says different. She looks so much like him and
his family members. She is 3 years of age now. The reason why we
broke up was because of the test results. Did he really love me
or not? Do you think that the anger will go away? I was with
someone else when we were dating, but my daughter looks like my
ex not the one I cheated with. Do you think that he still loves
me and is just angry and hurt because he wanted a child with me?
- Shaun, Age 22 from OUT OF USA
Sounds like you blew it. Only time will tell if he's going to
come back. I can't predict that. Sounds like he did really love
you, but you've really hurt the guy. He may have very mixed
feelings about the girl now, too. It's not his anymore. You've
stolen his child, in a sense. Very serious consequences to your
actions. Imagine if someone showed up one day and wanted to take
her from you because she was accidentally switched at the
hospital with another baby. It would be like someone telling you
it's not really your daughter. That's probably very similar to
about how he's feeling, except you can add to that his feelings
about your infidelity. I would play it very cool. Be quiet and
see how he reacts. Don't be too overbearing right now, since you
need him to return under his own free will, not your pressure.
If you pressure him to return, you may push him further away. Be
there if he wants you, but don't force things by any means.
- The Man
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- I was wondering why your
archives don't go back any further.
- Katherine, Age 22 from Virginia
I'm just too lazy to link all the pages. There's over a year of
archives available. I need to link them all up. Write me an
email and let me know if you're interested in seeing them. The
more email I get about this the more motivated I'll be.
- The Man
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