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--- Advice Column for April, 2003 ---
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I've been married over 10 years and I'm still lovelorn. I am a former actress and model, and now I am a personal trainer who also sells cosmetics. I spend all my money and at least 4 hours a day on my personal appearance. I get feedback constantly from other men that they think I'm beautiful, but from my husband? Nothing. If I ask him, "How do I look?" he always says something like, "Your
nail polish is chipped." Last night I asked him right out if he thought I was beautiful, and he said very sarcastically, "Oh, yeah, I hang around you and put up with your personality because you're an ugly bitch. THINK ABOUT IT!"
Why did I give the best years of my life to apparently the only man on
Earth who doesn't think I'm beautiful and doesn't even like my personality?
- Anonymous
Familiarity breeds contempt. If he just met you, he'd think you were the hottest babe in the world. By the way, part of the problem is your
extreme insecurity. All your money and 4 hours a day would drive me crazy if I was your husband. Try cutting back a little. Might do you a world of good. He probably gets sick and tired of stroking your fragile ego (hence his sarcasm). Even if you spend just 2 hours a day on your appearance I'd think you were somewhat neurotic. It's too much. You've got some issues you need to work out.
Once you mellow out a little he'll probably be nicer to you. Everyone gets older and beauty
fades. You're just going to have to let go a little and
relax. Then you'll start to see things get better.
- The Man
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Hey A-Man! I have this problem. Almost every guy I
talk to says I'm gorgeous and have a gorgeous ass... Is
this all they see in me? I'm not an airhead. I'm
actually very smart! Even my boyfriend will say I have a
nice body! Is this all they see? Are guys just complete
dickheads?
- Laura, Age 14 from Tennessee
Yes and yes. Next question, please. (j/k). 14 year
old guys are about as horny as they come, Laura. Learn
to live with it or find new friends... By the way, I
think it's possible to be attracted to someone for their
mind AND body. In your case, you just need to make sure
the 'mind' part is the motivating factor. Otherwise
you're going to be messed with by a lot of guys while you
learn to weed out all the bad ones.
- The Man
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How many time per day can a man ejaculate?
- Andy, Age 21 from Pennsylvania
There's obviously no universal answer to this question,
but being a scientist, I'll help you analyze it to make
sure we're considering all the limiting factors. First
of all, there's the reservoir of.... well, you know,
'stuff' that a man can produce in a given time period
which I assume is influenced by his physique. In other
words, fat guys might have more capacity then scrawny
guys. Then there's the condition of the man's arm
(tennis elbow or rough hands, for instance, could one
way or another impede his efforts). After that you have
to consider the quality of the woman he's thinking
about. If she's more attractive or otherwise special to
the individual, perhaps a man would be
more motivated to keep going when others would be ready
to quit. Finally there's the 'last time' factor. This
factor takes into account that it's easier to have
several sessions in one day if you didn't also have
several sessions the previous day (does that make
sense??). All in all, there are quite a few factors that
would influence the answer for any given person. By
the way, why you asking, pal? Going for the record?
- The Man
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Hey Answer Man, I just got over a long term
relationship and am interested in dating again. However, I
keep finding something wrong with all the girls I see or I
just can't gather the nerve to talk to the ones I am
interested in. I think I have developed a genuine fear of
women since my last relationship (lots of emotional
scars). Have you heard of anything like this and what is
your advice on getting over the hurdle?
- Joe, Age 22 from Arizona
'Damaged goods' syndrome is my personal name for what you
have. You're damaged goods. It's not forever, but it lasts
a while until you get over the emotional bullshit you just
went through. Take heart. It goes away. Being interested
in dating a significant first step. Also, being
discriminating is not necessarily a bad thing! There's a
lot of failed marriages out there. Many by people too
eager to tie the not and not discriminating enough.
- The Man
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The other day, a (male) friend of mine said that it
takes just five minutes for a guy to evaluate a new girl
and determine whether or not she's dateable. If this
theory is true, it doesn't seem to allow for the guy to
change his mind. What do you think: If a girl spends
more time with a guy, will he eventually become
interested as he gets to know her? Doesn't she risk the
"She's too close of a friend/too much like a
sister" scenario? What's your advice for a girl in
this situation? Thanks!
- Ashleigh, Age 19 from California
Good question. I think both sexes run this risk evenly.
Think about it. You meet someone and you're either
attracted to them or you're not attracted to them.
That's all he was probably telling you. I don't think
he's correct, however, in saying it's a universal rule.
Sometimes attraction develops over time as people get to
know each other. Also, I've become acutely aware, in my
life at least, that my attraction to people I first meet
can actual fade over time as well as grow. For example,
I remember a girl I met several years ago at my first
professional job after college. She was tall, beautiful,
friendly, and she had the sexiest voice ever. She was
all I thought about for weeks. I wanted to ask her out,
but I KNEW that if I waited 3 months I'd have a better
idea of whether I liked her or not. After 3 months I had
gotten to know her, and decided with certainly I didn't
want to date her after all. The moral? There's no real
rules for love and attraction. Things either happen, or
they don't and that's about all there is to it! Not much
help, eh?
- The Man
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Hello, I am recently married to a man who wants to
have threesomes and go to swingers clubs. He wants to
have sex with other people with me. Should I think this
is wrong?
- Heather, Age 18 from EnglandI can't tell you
what to think. It's right for people who enjoy
threesomes and swinging and it's wrong for everyone
else. I do have a stupid question for you, however. It
didn't occur to you to ask this guy about his point of
view BEFORE you got married? Just as a side note, I'd
like to point out that my often repeated attitude that
young people should NOT get married but wait until mid
to late 20s is due in large part to situations like the
above.
- The Man
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