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--- Advice Column for March, 2003 ---
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I'm curious. I have not been in a serious
relationship in 4 years. I seem to have a pattern for
meeting guys and we start dating and everything goes
well for a week or so. After a week we have sex and I
get the but end of the stick (dumped) or we end up being
casual sex partners which goes sour fast. Does it have
to come down to asking the intentions of the other
person before having sex and wouldn't that ruin the
mood? I give up on dating!
- Sandra , Age 27 from Texas
Sandra, I appreciate that you're doing the difficult and
honorable thing by holding off on sex for that entire
week after you start dating. That must be a difficult
waiting period to endure... Perhaps if I might make a
small suggestion: How about extending your rigorous
week-long abstinence period for a month or even three
before you let him bend you over the hood of his Chevy
S10 pickup truck. Then you might actually have time to
gauge his intentions with a little more accuracy before
need to decide if trading bodily fluids is a wise things
to do.
- The Man
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I finally met a girl who seems intelligent, funny,
down-to-earth. Of course, there's a problem; she's
taken. She's been dating her high school sweetheart for
a couple years. I thought it would be a good idea to
establish a friendship and wait for the relationship to
break up, but have no idea what to say in order to keep
my motives hidden... what do you think? By the way, I
think you've got a great mix of humor and honesty.
- Trav, Age 20 from AlaskaAh - the old 'wait him
out' routine. I've see that a hundred times. Used to
work pretty well back in high school when relationships
came and went as quickly as history class pop quizzes.
Could work. Might as well give it a shot. The problem
is, of course, that you're winding yourself up over a
chick that may never scream your name, if you know what
I mean. That being said, what ARE your motives?
Presumably you want to be this girls friend - the basis
for any successful relationship. So why would you need
to hide that? Of course if your motives are purely
sexual then I can understand your concern over spilling
the beans. For instance, if you called her up one day
and accidentally said something like, "lets go get
some coffee and afterwards maybe catch a porn
flick" I suppose I can see where you might be
concerned about the accidental slip. I think that things
have a way of working themselves out. If you're meant to
be with this girl, then that's how things will end up.
- The Man
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Answer Man, I am an attractive, fairly intelligent
person and for the most part confidence is not an issue
with me. However, I was diagnosed with a visual impairment
at a young age and my vision will slowly decrease with age
which prohibits me from driving among some other things. I
have accepted this to a large degree, but when it comes to
feeling attractive to guys as "more than a
friend", I am really insecure. My friends always tell
me that it makes little or no difference to other people,
but they are biased to say the least. I have noticed that
you are more than honest in your replies, and I was
wondering if you yourself would date someone with a disability
like mine. I know that it shouldn't matter what others
think, but, let's face it, it does sometimes. Could you
please help me? And be honest.
- Liz, Age 21 from FloridaMy mom has a visual
impairment that has, over time, made it difficult for her
to drive. She hasn't owned a car in years. Also, you can
see that one of her eyes is messed up (smaller pupil then
the other). It's a birth defect and she's always been self
conscious of it. Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask,
actually, because I never looked at my mom differently
then other people since she's my mom.... if you know what
I mean. When I look at her, I don't see a messed up eye. I
just see my mom. One thing I would like to point out:
she's been married twice. The first one ended b/c my
father passed away. The second one is going fine - her
second husband is a great guy and they've been married for
years. So, I guess her impairment didn't stop her. You
shouldn't let it bother you.
- The Man
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I attend university Helsinki and I met very nice man.
In my culture, it is no good for a woman to go after a man
but it's okay for a man to go after woman. What can I do
so he'll think I like him? How can I make him like me too?
- Liisa, Age 20 from FinlandHi Liisa. As you know,
I'm American and therefore my American ideals prevail in
answering your question. Here's my advice: break with
tradition. Tradition (no matter what culture you
happen to be from) is just a way for old people to try and
impose stupid rules on a changing society of young people.
Tradition means wearing old cloths, following old customs,
refraining from new adventures (like making friends with
this guy you like). Tradition separates you from people
who have other customs. Ba Humbug! I'm no fan of
"tradition". This is 2003. Do what ever you
want. There's no reason you can't go ask this guy out.
- The Man
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I was watching Howard Stern the other night on
television and he made some comment to the affect of
" I hate it when the girls a virgin because she
does not know how to do anything and the first time is
always a wreck". This totally freaked me out
because I am a virgin. I just wanted to know, is he
right?? Do guys not like this?
- Helen, Age 18 from Louisiana
Sex is like riding a bike. No one is any good at it
the very first time. It's a skill like anything else.
You get better at it as you go along. On a side note,
I'd like to point out that if you're listening to Howard
Stern for tips and advice, you deserver what you get.
- The Man
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I know information on someone who has been cheating
on their husband. Do I tell or keep the secret to
myself. How do most guys react to this news?
- Chris, Age 27 from Maine
Excuse my frankness, but I'm obligated to ask - is it
any of your goddam business? Don't get me wrong - I'm no
fan of infidelity, but who the hell are you? Do you have
some interest here? Are you after the husband? That's my
guess. Look - this is probably none of your business.
Husbands and wives need to work things out on their own
and they don't need the kind of help you're considering.
It's not your place.
- The Man
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I am 21 and just finishing up college. I met this
girl who sits beside me every class, and she told me she
was going to sit beside me in class next quarter. Does
this mean that she wants to go out with me? She is 25.
What can I do to find out?
- Tim, Age 21 from OhioYou remind me of one of my
friends. He's just discovered that a better hair cut and
some nice clothes make him more attractive to women. So
now that he's finally getting some attention from girls,
he thinks that every girl showing any interest in him at
all automatically wants to date him. Completely false.
Frankly, it's getting a little annoying watching him
humiliate himself all the time. I can't wait until he
figures things out. As for you, maybe she just likes
sitting next to someone she knows so that she can
bullshit during boring moments in class? If she likes
you, it will become apparent. Just be cool. By the way -
one good suggestion in this situation is seeing if she
wants to get together for a study date. That's a great
way to spend time with someone in a casual, non-committal
way. It can also lead to other things, if there's any
opportunity for that.
- The Man
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know you can send a Answer Man E-card (see left hand margin
for cards) or
post an Answer Man
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Hi Answer Man. I have 2 questions for you. My b/f
broke up with me for stupid reasons: because I wouldn't
give him head or sleep with him. Was I wrong? Should I
have? And my other question is he always said he loved
me was it true or not?
- Ash, Age 16 from TexasHe's an asshole for
breaking up with you for that reason. Of course you
should NOT have done those things just to keep him
around. In fact, you should have been the one to break
things off with him for being such a dickhead. The
answer to your second question is a Big Fat Greek NO, he
doesn't love you. You don't break up with a girl you
LOVE because she won't have sex with you or give you
head. You wait for her to be comfortable with sex. If he
really loved you, he would have said something like,
"it's okay - we'll wait until you feel ready".
Geez Ash, do I really need to be answering these
questions for you? The answers are kind of obvious in
your situation. You did the right thing, and he's a
lying jerk who does NOT love you. (p.s. ALL boys will
lie to a girl to try and get sex. That's why it's a good
idea to make them wait for it. The ones that are lying
won't bother to wait. They will move on to a stupider
girl who believes the lies.)
- The Man
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Is it normal to want sex with the guy on top while
they finger me in the butt? Is this normal???
- Samantha, Age 18 from Maine
It's normal for the women I date! (J/K) Do
whatever turns you on, Samantha. You're an adult now,
and a finger in the butt, if that's you're turn-on, is
perfectly fine. Just make sure he washes his hands
before he puts his finger anywhere else.
- The Man
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Its my first year in college. I am looking for
something to do to occupy my free time, so the thought
of opening my own website. My whole purpose is to be a
great money maker even if it takes hard work. Problem is
that in order to open up my site I need something that
people would be interested in. I don't want to sell
anything , at least not yet anyways. I was considering
an advice column for teens at first. That's how I ended
up at your site. I must say that I enjoyed reading your
responses and thought that perhaps you'd be able to make
a few suggestions to me. What do you think I could use
as a topic to open my site that would attract
others?
- Trini, Age 18
Einstein said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration
(or something to that effect). In other words, get ready
for a lot of hard work. There is NO SUCH THING as a
successful person who didn't work 14 hour days to make
things happen. There is no way to "get rich
quick". Another great saying that comes to mind is
something I read a while back although I can't remember
where. It said that it takes 15 years to become an
over-night success. Be prepared to fail 100 times before
you succeed, but learn from your mistakes and errors.
Consider them successes even if you fail, because you'll
know better the next time. As far as the Internet goes,
there are LOTS of opportunities to make money, but none
of them are easy. I suggest you do a lot of research and
reading. Find out who's rich and how they got rich. Find
out who's poor and why they failed. You're not going to
make a million dollars right away, but if you work hard
and looooooong, you will get there eventually.
- The Man
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