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--- Advice Column for Feb, 2003 ---
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I know that this really isn't a big deal but I still
don't know what to do: One night I hooked up with one of
my good guy friends. It was sweet but to me it meant
nothing. The next day he was acting like I was his
girlfriend, like hugging me and kissing me and telling
me all these sweet things. I'm not saying I didn't like
it; it's just that I don't think of him that way. We
even promised each other that hooking up would not
affect the friendship. To me it hasn't but I'm worried
that it has to him. So how can I tell him that I don't
feel that way for him without destroying the friendship?
- Mckenzie, Age 16 from California
Here's your first lesson on sex (or whatever it was you
did with your buddy). 'Hooking up' changes things,
whether you want it to or not. That's one major reason
why we adults don't want you kids doing it. You're going
to learn as you get older that there's a price to pay
when 'hooking up'. Sex is often emotional for one person
or both. It's very uncommon that you could both agree to
leave your friendship as-is and have it actually remain
unaffected. Got it? So in this case, you're the one
who's nonchalant, but next time you'll see it might just
be you who freaks out when if decides once was enough.
There's nothing you can do about this situation. This
experience has changed your friend emotionally and with
it, the nature of your friendship. The good news is,
next time you'll know better and you'll be able to weigh
the consequences of your actions before, rather then
after you take action. Good luck.
- The Man
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Question
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Hey A-Man, I am in a new relationship. It's been three
months, and I am wondering if there is a list of questions
I can ask to get to know if this is the guy for me. I am
31 and don't want to waste years of my life when I can
spend a few minutes on each date asking specific
questions. Don't get me wrong, I won't do it rapid fire, I
will be casual about it. I was just wondering. Love your
site.
- April, Age 31 from New York
Upon careful consideration of your very thoughtful
inquiry, I suggest you develop a questionnaire for
would-be suitors. You can even put it online and weed out
guys who don't own a computer right away. You can have
prospective dates fill it out on before you ever agree to
go out with them. I suggest questions covering criminal
history, side of bed preference and the pivotal Coke or
Pepsi issue can also be resolved before it's time to pick
a mate. LOL. 
- The Man
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Question
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If an unknown person left a note on your car letting
you know you were gorgeous, would you be flattered or
feel watched?
- Amanda, Age 17 from California
Funny! This is probably the first time I've been torn
between telling you you're paranoid and agreeing with
you that you have a good point. Do this: see what
happens next. It could be a one-time thing. It could be
someone you know. It could also be a stalker, of course,
but I think that it's too early to tell.
- The Man
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My son is 14 and I found a used condom in his
trashcan, is he too young to be having sex??
- Julie, Age 39 from Ireland
He might not be having sex. Some kids get them just
to play with them and see what they feel like.... Kind
of like sitting in the drivers seat of a car just to see
what it's like even though you're to young to drive. On
the other hand, to many 14 years olds ARE having sex and
yes, it's to young. I suggest the good ol' frontal
approach. Tell him what you found and have a serious
discussion about the risks for pregnancy, disease and
emotional heartache. Nothing like a direct question to
get the ball moving (no pun intended).
- The Man
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Question
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What are the "rules" for dating?
- Jenny, Age 15 from California
The Man's Dating Rules for 15 Year Old Girls Named
Jenny:
1. No sex. Any guy who genuinely likes you would never
leave you over sex.
2. Do NOT spend too much time strategizing about what to
do/not do.
3. No drugs or alcohol and for goodness sake, don't
drive impaired.
4. Just try to have a good time.
- The Man
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- Did you
know you can send a Answer Man E-card (see left margin
for cards) or
post an Answer Man
Classified Ad?
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What do you do, as far as activities with someone who
is blind?
- Shirley, Age 37 from Virginia
Well, tennis is probably out so I guess that leaves
you with steamy animal sex.... (j/k) Seriously, though,
musical concerts are a good idea, wine tasting or dining
are always pluses. Just think of activities that are
designed around our other senses (sound, taste,
touch...) See? For instance: Yoga is in the
"touch" category, and fine to do with someone
who's blind.
- The Man
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Question
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I am attracted to a cabdriver that picks me from my
work a couple of times a week. He deliberately lingers
in the neighborhood shortly before I call the cab
company to order it. We always hit it off and in my
mind, have certain chemistry. Do you think he just
thinks of me as a sure "fare" or do you think
perhaps he "likes" me? If so, how do I
approach the situation? He may think it's unprofessional
to ask a client out on a date. I don't have the guts to
ask him because perhaps I am mistaking this chemistry
for just a really nice cab driver. I know it's funny.
Whadda ya think?
- Bijou, Age 26
Are you kidding? He likes you. He's probably passing
up other fares just to be in the neighborhood. Here's
what I suggest. Find out when he's NOT working then
causally mention some friends and you are going to be at
such-and-such location that day. Tell him he should show
up if he's not busy and make it sound casual. If he
likes you, he'll figure out a way to show up. It doesn't
matter if you actually have friends there or not (i.e.
don't invite anyone, so if he shows up you'll be alone
with him). Try that approach 2 times, just in case he
can't make the first date. Good luck.
- The Man
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Question
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Why do guys all of a sudden start calling you up,
asking you out and then...Nada, nothing? I just don't
get it. I'm good at attracting guys like this...
- Page, Age 22 from Mexico
The thrill is in the hunt for some guys. Imagine a
dog chasing a car (you're the car). Once the car stops,
the dog has nothing to do, gets board and finds another
car to chase. I've done this many times myself, meaning
I've pursued women (not cars) only to pull the hooks out
of their mouths and toss them back in the lake once they
were netted. It's just a fact of life. Women are much
less attractive to me once they let me know they like
me. I suggest you keep trying, but this time, make the
guys go out with you several times before you let them
even kiss you. Then you'll have a guy that knows you a
little at least, before he feels like you're on the
hook. Might help your odds.
- The Man
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